A Little Chicken Goes A Long Way
by Lugian Before Swine
Summary: MWPP A prank leads to some interesting discoveries...RLSB. Don't like, don't read. It's mostly humor. Safety rating for a bit of swearing and snogging. XD Oneshot


**A/N: Okay, so this fic has been sitting around on my computer collecting dust for about a month. I was trying to write a oneshot for this pairing and totally forgot about this one I had already written…**

**Disclaimer: Hmm, if I owned HP, you can bet RLSB would be canon. Constantly. With naughty references on every other page. You get the idea.**

Remus Lupin walked to his bed, intending to go to sleep like any normal sleep-deprived teenager would. However, there was a small snag in his plan: life had to be harder when you lived with the Marauders.

"…Why does my bed appear to be made entirely out of chicken legs?"

"Well, you see," began James, but he was cut off by Sirius. "Actually, Moony, I changed your bed into a rectangular chicken leg formation because I know I have nighttime cravings for them."

"Then why didn't you change your own bloody bed?" said Remus.

"Dear, dear Moony," said Sirius, looking concerned. "I had figured that you shared my near-constant want for chicken legs. I was only trying to help a friend."

"You, helping?" said James. "You're no good with helping, Pads. Accidentally blowing things up in Potions, yes. Helping, no."

Sirius prepared to fire back but was cut off.

"And you know, Moony has a good point. Why didn't you change your bed, also? You could've easily done both. I think you just want to—"

"Yes, Prongs, I want to get in Moony's pants. I WANT TO GET IN MOONY'S PANTS!" Sirius shouted, waking the entire dormitory, who moaned and rolled over as one.

Remus was blushing slightly. If he had had real bedcovers, he would have hid under them now. Alas, his bed was still made of chicken.

Sirius and James were laughing now, and so was Peter (although he had just woken up and so had no idea what he was laughing about).

"Jokes aside, Sirius, I sort of need to sleep tonight," said Remus loudly over the laughter.

"I'm sure the chicken will feel just as rubbery as your mattress, Moony. You did get the worst one in the dormitory," said Sirius.

"And how would you happen to know that, dearest Padfoot?" asked Remus.

Memories of walking up to the dorm when everyone else was in the common room and just sitting on Remus's bed definitely were not playing on a loop in Sirius's head right now.

"…You don't want to get in Moony's pants…you've already been there!" shouted James triumphantly.

"I have not!" shouted Sirius.

"He hasn't! I would never—" began Remus.

"Oh, whatever, guys. You have the hots for each other, and we all know it," said James.

"We do?" asked Peter, tuning in briefly.

"James!" Remus shouted, which was a rare occurrence. "You have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Ahh, but it appears you do," he replied, smirking.

"Yes, I do! And I know that nothing has happened! Ever!"

"That's a lie," said Sirius blissfully from his bed.

James breaks into a grin. "Oh ho, what's this?"

"Padfoot, what the HELL are you talking about?"

"That time in first year when I tripped on one of the staircases and you helped me up. You held my hand, Moony."

"I was being NICE! And that was four years ago!"

"Or that time in second year, when I fell out of the tree and you carried me to the Hospital Wing."

"Friendship, Padfoot—"

"Or in third year, when I kind of began drowning in the lake with the squid."

James was being oddly quiet. Remus was silently fuming.

"And, oh, fourth year, when I got double detention with McGonagall and you came and served it with me."

"Sirius, I did something for you all those times because you're my friend. I would have done the same for James or Peter. And you know very well that I reprimanded you while we were shoveling that owl poo."

"But then this year rolled around. Ah, fifth year. I recall vividly, dear Moony, one crisp fall day, you pulling me behind a suit of armor and snogging me. Now tell me you would have done _that_ for James or Peter."

"WHAT?" James and Remus shouted at the same time.

"Moony, dear boy, you've been getting some action!" said James incredulously.

"Sirius, YOU were the drunk one who pulled ME behind the suit of armor!"

"Why, yes, I suppose it was me," said Sirius thoughtfully.

"Explain that one!" said Remus.

"I was a bit less drunk than you thought, Moony darling."

The dormitory was silent.

"Well, I'm off to sleep. Goodnight, everybody," said Sirius, and then he pulled his hangings closed.

Remus got off his feet and was about to tear the hangings open again when James grabbed his wrist. "No one, Moony, not even you, disrupts the sacred sleeping time," he said seriously.

Defeated, Remus returned to his bed…though sleeping on the floor seemed to be a better option.

--

So how are you this fine morning, Moony?

_A bit confused, actually._

As you should be.

_Care to provide an explanation as to your words last night?_

Not particularly, no.

**Ooh, ooh! Prongs would love to know what's going on.**

We're talking about what a git you are.

**Ha ha, Pads, but I can read what you guys wrote. So, what was up with the whole not being drunk thing?**

_I'm rather wondering the same thing._

You know, Moony, you don't have to flash your big words at us. You could've just said 'Me too,' but no, you have to be a show-off.

_This is how English is properly written, Padfoot._

**Really, Pads, my left shoe can write better than you can.**

_Your grammar is atrocious as well, James._

**Buzz kill.**

_Personally, boys, I wouldn't be writing notes in class if I were you._

"McGonagall took it away."

"Yes, I saw that, James."

"She gave us all detention."

"I know, James."

"Tonight at 8."

"Yes, James! I was there, remember?" Then Remus rounded on Sirius. "This is all your fault. What were you talking about yesterday?"

"I'll tell you when we get to the common room."

"Fine."

Ten minutes later, the Marauders were sitting on comfy furniture in the deserted common room, and Sirius began to speak.

"All I said was that I wasn't drunk. I meant to kiss you."

"Why the hell would you want to do that?" asked Remus, a blush creeping up his face.

"Because I think you're pretty."

Remus's face went from Slightly-Embarrassed Pink to Holy-God-I-Want-To-Dig-A-Hole-In-The-Floor-And-Die-In-It Red in a matter of seconds.

"Padfoot!" gasped James. "You _are _trying to get into Moony's pants!"

"Not his pants, yet. I'm more interested in his shirt right now."

"This cannot be happening."

"Oh, but it is! I _like_ you, Moony. Very, very much."

"Sirius, you must be drunk. Did you sneak a Firewhiskey into Transfiguration again?"

"Not today!" said Sirius in a sing-song voice. "But you've just given me a brilliant idea for tomorrow."

"You know, I would've never guessed you'd be gay. For Moony, of all people."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Oh, getting defensive now, Moons?" asked James, smirking.

"Not defensive, just—BLOODY HELL, SIRIUS!"

"The tackling from behind wasn't such a good idea?"

Remus sighed, but stayed put.

"You're not moving, Moony," said Sirius, a growing smile on his face.

"No, I am not."

"You love me, don't you, Moony?"

"No, but I can stand your company, which I suppose is a start."

"I assume this would be the wrong time to ask if we could be a threesome?"

"JAMES!"

"Only kidding, Moony darling. Padfoot is all yours. Presuming you want him, of course."

"Oh, he does, don't worry," said Sirius.

"Of course I do," Remus muttered.

"What was that?" asked Sirius, prodding at his head.

"He said he luuurrrrves you," smirked James.

"Well, I already knew that!" said Sirius, vaulting over the back of the couch to sit next to Remus. Remus stared at him.

"What's wrong?" asked Sirius, sliding slowly over towards him, trying to remain unnoticed.

Remus watched his progress across the couch. "My bed is still made of chicken. And you're not sliding fast enough."

**Ahhhhh. I'm done. Haha, I think this turned out nicely. Virtual cookies to anyone who reviews.**

**Toodles!**

**Lu**


End file.
